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    August 28

    Frustration

    I am sorry to say, I have had enough with MSN.  I have decided to quit, after TRYING to blog repeatedly after the last change.... you may have noticed that I have not!!!  Thanks everyone for your support and maybe you will find me out there somewhere else in blog land...
    July 16

    Lost

    Lately I have been feeling lost.  Out of sorts.  Disconnected.
     
    I have not been inclined to do anything.  I have not even felt like watching TV.  You know you are in a funk when you can't even get the energy to veg!  Books don't interest me, I have just been sitting outside staring!
     
    I have been depressed, as I am in debt up to my eyeballs, and not sign of relief!  It has been hard, I worked really hard during Costume season, overtime really!  I cut my finger, so badly it is now permently damaged.  and.... i have NOTHING to show for it.  It did not reduce my debt at all, in fact it seemed to increase.  So what was the point!  I know the lawyer will eventually solve this for me, but in the mean time.... I have to find money to pay her!  (money, or even credit, I don;t have!)  It is depressing!
     
    Well, last week I got tired of it, I got tired of being tired. 
     
    Thursday, I cleaned the bottom of the basement stairs (this is a big thing, it took 5 minutes, but it cleared such a space in my head)  I then wrote a list of everything I felt I needed to do.  And then picked the funnest thing, my special project I started a while ago, but had to put off when costumes started!
     
    The next morning, before the kids got up, I got four things done, I CLEANED my room, it looks spectacular (just don't look behind any closed doors or in the drawers! I cleaned the bathrooms, (another HUGE JOB that takes 5 mins, but I always feel better after!)  Organized my financial documents! (a most hated job, but it has to be done!) And finally cleaned up the scrapbooking cupboard!  ( a more fun job)
     
    I felt sooooooo good!  I was able to goof off the rest of the day, and feel good about it!
     
    I finished the special project, and now have to start part B (the second special project, as it turns out I needed two, and also it seems sometime in the next 2-3 weeks!!!!)
     
    I also applied for two jobs, they pay enough to pay my bills!!! If I got one, I would be finally have the money to be independant, and more importantly, pay off some debts! (with time, and careful budgeting!)  I will continue to think positive!  I will keep you all posted!
     
    Funny how doing one little thing, like picking up a few things can get you moving!  I feel so much better than I did a week or so ago!
     
    Well, I have to start the BBQ!  steak and chicken!!! YUM YUM!
    Jel
    June 22

    Stuff

    It is funny, I was reading the comments on my last entry, I was confused who keeps whisking me away, but then it dawned, I gave my address to someone recently, and I bet that is who it is, although, I thought non-MSN blogger could not leave messages!  Oh well, let me know if I am right.
    My friend and I went out shopping for "stuff"  I got Martini glasses, I had to "christen" them that night, then last night again.  I am now feeling just a little under the weather!  I forgot how potent Cosmopolitans are!  Oh yeah, they are the reason I have a Gargoyle on my shoulder!!! LOL!
     
    Last night I booked Edward a plane ticket to Vancouver (well Abbotsford actually) for his summer vacation.  It is going to be weird to have both kids gone for two whole weeks!  I am looking forward to it, in a way, in another way, I think it will be lonely.
     
    I had a phone apt with my lawyer, we discussed the modified letter the the Bull, originally she had written it saying that he would continue to get the kids every other weekend, that of course needed changing.  I am to approve it, and it will be in the mail by the end of the week!  (I hope)  Next Step in my goals for the year!  I did want it all resolved by now, cause I really wanted to buy a house this summer, but, I guess I had un-realistic expectations!
     
    Speaking of the Bull, he has (supposiedly) been sober for the past three weeks.  He stopped by on Saturday, he was helping his sister move furniture, then again on sunday, with a "snip-it" for me, and then he called on Monday to ask how the dog took the thunder storm (fine, no worries) then the next day, to tell my my cheque, that I was waiting for, had been sent to his house.  (side story, when I went to pick it up, he had opened it! grrr)  Oddly, he did not call yesterday. hmmmm, maybe he fell off the wagon.  Oh yeah, in one of the calls, he mentioned that he "had" to change the lock on the house, so my key would not work anymore!  I thought that was interesting, so did Mary!
     
    Well, that is my update for the day, I should do some laundry, and get back to my school work!
     
     
     
    June 20

    School

    Well, I have been studying hard and have gotten a few more assignments done on my class.  And this morning, I did more research on the next step.  I think I need to start another class to keep myself on schedule.  The problem is:  I can't decide which to take:  Occupation Health and Safety, or Financial Accounting.   I really can't afford either, but I also think, I can't afford to put them off.  I have set a personal goal of taking my final exam for HRM on Aug 12th.  If I sign up for these classes (or one) then they would have to be done by February.  I think that is do-able.
    Any thoughts?
     
    June 13

    The Evil

    Well, having updated you all on the Tattoo, and the finger, I figure I should update on the evil part.  What I need protection/strenght from/for!

     

    Several weeks ago ( must be about 5 now)  the kids went to the Bull's for the weekend. ( As you may know, I am sure I mentioned I am getting back into aquatics. This is background)  On the Friday, I had a fitting at 4 pm, then I was finishing a First Aid course at 5-9 and then off to the Trews concert at the Tulip festival!  (It was also raining that day, I got really wet!)  The Bull picked Arianne up at my house  at 4 pm, and then was to get Edward at school because he had some field trip thing that was going late.  They knew my plans.  Apparently, I found out later, he picked up Arianne, drunk, and never got Edward (he went to a friends).  Saturday, I was teaching a class at a pool that is at the other end of the city from 3 to 9 pm.  I turned my Cell ringer off.  At the dinner break, I checked my phone.  My sister in law had called, I returned the call.  Arianne had called her in tears, daddy was on the couch, and she could not wake him, Edward was still at the friends, and she had one of her headaches coming on (she had not eaten yet that day!)  Mary went and got her!  Mary could not wake her brother up either!!!!!!  She was not impressed.  About an hour later, Mary called the Bull, explained where Arianne was, and asked if she should feed her dinner.  The Bull replied "That's ok, Arianne is across the street, she is having dinner there!"  In his drunken state, he did not even understand what she was saying!  The sad part is, Arianne decided to return to her fathers for the night!  Edward came back!

     

    Now that I think about it, it was Mother's Day weekend.  I got a call on Sunday, they wanted to take me out for dinner.  They decided that we would go to the "All you can Eat buffet place"  The Bulls fav, my most hated! (I am sick of it!) or Montana's if the Buffet is full.  We were going to eat at 5 pm !!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! It was full!  We went to Montana's there was an hour wait, AS WE DID NOT HAVE RESERVATIONS!!!!  Geee, novel thought, on MOTHERS DAY!!!  Anyway, during the whole dinner, the Bull did not say a word!  Just looked sad and pathetic  (probably hung over!) 

    Oh yeah, I forgot, on Satuday, he dropped a tow hitch on his foot, so his Big toe was all swelled up and he could not walk well! (this is relivant to a later story!)  He ended up taking the week off work, drinking!

    During same week, I cut my finger, and could not reach him the evening of the incident to watch the kids/drive me to the hospital! 

    The following weekend, I took the kids up to my parents for a day trip on Saturday.  After we returned, Arianne asked if she could have a sleepover at her friends house, the one who lives across the street from the Bull.  She called, it was ok, I dropped her off (with reservations!)  Within an hour , she was calling me, from the Bull's house, in tears, she felt sick, could I come and get her!  Off I went!

    When I got to his house, she answered.  He was sitting on the couch, drunk.  I sat down and pulled her on my lap, as she was sobbing!  It took a while to get her calm, I wanted to just take her home, but that little voice in my head told me I should stay a bit, to allow her to say bye to her dad (mistake!)  While we were sitting there, the Bull took off his sock, and shoved his foot in her face, and said: "I know how to make you feel better, my foot is getting better, I know that is what you are upset about"  ?????????WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??????  Then he asks her if she wants to rub it for him!  ICKY!!!  During this, the stupid woman from across the street comes over, she is intoxicated too!  She gets in Ariannes face and asks, "Is it the Holahoop, sweety?"  She thinks Arianne is upset about some holahoop that broke.  The Bull tells he to go home, Arianne is upset about his foot, then she tells him to be quiet, it is the holahoop!  Arianne in the meantime, is sitting on my lap with the most disgusted look on her face!  Finally, Donna goes home, and I can get Arianne out and i n the car.  In the car on the way home, she tells me...

    When she go to Donna's "Daddy and Donna were drinking, there was beer on the floor, and it was disgusting"  Then Donna has to go pick up her middle child, in Kanata, that is a 20 min drive!  Arianne told me she was worried about Callie, and Donna, because Donna was drinking and driving (this is the same woman, who was in a car accident with Arianne in the car, and she lost her licence for a day, because she was over the limit!, I what FORBID my children to get in a car with her - this is relevant to later!!!)  She then told me "Daddy was babysitting us, and when Donna got home, she told Daddy to go home.   Then she made us watch a movie, and I did not want to watch it, so she told me to go to Daddy's"  Sigh.  What a disaster!

    That week, Arianne ignored all calls from her friend.

    During the next week he called to make arrangements to take them to the Gloucester Fair.  The Arrangement got complicated (and stupid, but really not too relevant to this story!)  But in the end, he picked them up at 12:30 saturday, and took them.  I gave them each $40, and reminded them where I would be, and gave them a cell phone, so they could call for ANY reason!  I had to teach at the pool on the other end of the city again that night.

    That evening, after the class, my friend and I stood at chatted until 10:30 in the parking lot.  We discussed the kids.  She is the child of an Alcoholic, and gave me some really good percpective on the whole thing.  She reminded me, I am the Adult, and I have to make the decisions for the kids, asking them to evaluate a situation and call me if it is out of hand, it too hard for them!  It was really a good thing we talked, it helped me ALOT the next day.

    The following morning, I called the Bull's house, and talked to Arianne.  I asked how it went.  She told me.  The short version:  He sat in the beer tent all afternoon, and could not drive them home, Donna did.  Donna also sat in the beer tent!

    I WAS FURIOUS!

    She also asked me to pick them up at noon!  That was odd! usually they wish to stay until dinner.

    I drove over at EXACTLY noon.

    Edward appeared from the house accross the street, gave me a big hug, and did not leave my side.  Arianne collected her stuff, and then they both got in the car, and the whole time, the Bull stood there, watching, looking sad and drunk!  They were not even going to say bye to him, I reminded them!

    When we got home, I sat them down, and let them know.  I explained that clearly Daddy is getting worse not better, he can not care for them, and Donna is no better.  I then informed them that they would no longer be going to either house.  If Arianne wanted to play with her friends, they could come here, but she was not going to go there any more.  She was a little sad, but not really.

    The following two weeks was pleasant, they were really happy kids, for a change!

    Unfortunately, I could not get ahold of the Bull.  I left messages on his machine, asking him to call me.  I would not leave that info on the machine, I felt he needed to hear it live and have a chance to respond.  For a week and a half, he would not take my calls or return them.  Finally, this past Wednesday, his sister called and left a message, asking him to call me, and I called too.  If I did not hear from him that evening, I would leave it on his voice mail.  He called me back.  He took it well, he agreed, he informed me he had not drank since that weekend.  he knew that was REALLY bad. blah blah blah.  But, he did not make any plea for the kids!  Sad really!

    Then on Friday, I got home and there was a message on my machine from Joan, Donna's mother.  Asking me to call, Donna was in the hospital!  I could not get ahold of her at that time, I called the Bull, he answered the third time.  He told me he did not have the details, but thought it was an allergic reaction.  That evening I finally got ahold of Joan, it was not an allergic reation, Donna had a stroke, it could have been her inhaller, or the fact that she was cleaning the basement, or maybe...... the Cocaine!!! ARGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!  Joan pleaded with me to go see Donna in the hospital, as she was depressed, and taking how it would have been better if she had died.  (Unfortunately, the evil part of my brain was thinking, YES!!!)  Anyway, the good part prevailed.  I went.  Unfortunately, Donna look pretty good, all things concidered.  I personally think she will have a full recovery!  DAMN IT! 

    Well, I really did not know about the Coke.  I had my suspisions.  But it certainly validated my decision not to let the kids go there!  There is more to the story, but my hands are sore.

     

    So that is it, the reason I NEED the Gargoyle.  The reason, I need something to look over me when I sleep.  The reason, I need something to consume the negative energy, and turn it positive.

    Blessed Be!

    Jel

     

    June 12

    Update

    Well, I am having difficulty typing as I can't use my right index finger!
     
    Why, you ask?.....
     
    Well, about three weeks ago, as the deadlines loomed, I broke my cardinal rule: Never Cut after 7 pm!  I decided to sew up some costumes after dinner, while the kids were doing hokmework.  We had a Molopoly night planned!  I then decided to cut netting for tutus.  It would only take me 5 mins and then I would be ready for the next morning of sewing!  I cut with something called a Rotary cutter, it is a razer sharp pizza cutter!  I was going fast.... I ran over my finger.  I almost cut right through!  I got myself to the hospital, emerg.  And then proceded to pass out.  It is really a good thing to pass out in Emerg.  There was a 4 hour wait, I was in and out in under 2!  I got 7 stitches.  I would post a picture, but really it is still too gross to post!  To give you all an idea of what I did... Take your thumb and place it on the side of your index finger, as if you are grabbing something... now press in....what is covered by the thumb, I cut off.  It was just held on by 1/2 a cm!  EEEEKKKK!  LOTs of blood!  I have no feeling in the end of the finger as of now, but maybe... with time.... it may recover a bit!
     
    Now, the tattoo.....
     
    A Gargoyle is a symbol of protection.  The early christians put them on their churches to attract the pageans!  The gargoyles feed on evil and keep it out of the village, church etc. From the web:
     
    Gargoyles are protective entities created to act as guardians. Depictions of gargoyles appear in medieval and gothic architecture, and it is no doubt that many of these ornamental creatures were enchanted to privide protection to their buildings.
     
    There are seven or so types of lifeforms considered Gargoyles
     
    1)Stayers are the defenders of Wizardry - Great Magics.

    The Stayers are the first of what some scholars call Magichena, magically animated things that are "alive". Unlike many things, they know their history. The Stayers started existance as Guardian Statues, protecting the home of The Last Archwizard. They are of the classic Gargoyle mold, winged deformed humanoids. In an attempt to improve upon the basic guardian statue, the Archwizard gave them the ability to actually cast spells, so they could fly and project magic missiles. The first saw him create the second, those two saw him create the third, until all five original Stayers had been made.

    The Stayers were somewhat intelligent and helpful. In addition to being powerful guardian statues, they became assistants... first of the tote and carry kind, but eventually doing a number of mundane and wizardly things for the ArchWizard.
     
    2)Gharjoy are one of the seven things that are called Gargoyle. They may be the origin of all things Gargoyle. Gharjoy are astromorphs, astreal creatures. They are powerful hunting creatures who are "territorial", patroling their regions for things that pollute their territory. Their "visage" is quite horrific to those who can see them.

    Gharjoy consume pawns (bundles) of negative energies. Each pawn is a combination of negative emotions, memories, and power- a sin in some parlances- Evil in others. They hunt any negative astromorph or pawn in their region.

    Gharjoys, being positive energy creatures who fuze negative energy, have more "weight" than most astromorphs. They utilize the destructive energies to hunt and destroy other negative energy pawns and negative astromorphs. This balance of polarities allows them to focus upon the physical realm. Like all astreal things, unless they are anchored to the material in some way, they can only limitedly sense and interact with the physical. After finding a suitable anchor, they can bind themselves to the material and hunt there.
     
    3)Geomorphs are related to Earth Elementals in structure and form, but these creatures have more in common with ectomorphs (spirit forms) than true Fey or Elementals. They may be a distant offshoot of spirit dragons.

    In reality, they are actually an energy matrix, that soft glowing orb similar to all true Fey. Unlike most Fey, this orb can not shapeshift and become solid into traditional patterns. These matrices find there way into stone, embedding themselves into it, shaping and animating it. The form is normally based on the gente/ bloodline of the GeoMorph, but is normally a winged humanoid with a monsterous face and general human proportions. The form is clawed and the wings are similar to a bats or dragons rather than a feathered form. ). Some gentes/ bloodlines will be sphynx like, or one appears to be a pile of small rocks in a humanoid form.

    Though nocturnal, they can function perfectly well during the day. (There is a theory that sunshine interferes with their control of the stone, which seems to be played out by their reduced speed, dexterity, and strength during the day).
     
      I, as an Aquarius, am Air.  Earth is the Ying to my Yang. 
     
    Well, I have to go make dinner, later my friends.... more later..
    June 11

    I'm back!!!!1

    The costumes are done, I am back, I don't know how much I will be blogging in the near future, I have alot to catchup on around the house.  That, and the fact it is hard to type missing a finger (how is that for a teaser!!!! more on that later!)
     
    Guess what I did last night????
     
    I got a tattoo!!!! WOO WHOOO!!! got a pic, Arianne took it!! it is on my left shoulder!
     
    I needed a guardian, my life is crazy, the evil forces have been busy!!!
     
    Let me know what you think!
    Jel
     
    April 25

    Next phase....

    Well, after the whole interview fiasco, I decided to move on.  I have taken the first step in being a trainer again.  It was good, but it just seems like a step backwards (again).  So...... I have taken a BIG step forward.  I enrolled in a college course today.  The start of my new me. (well this new me!)  The Financailly independent me.  The Grown up me.  The in-control me (well kind of)
     
    For the past 5 years ( I figured it out, it has been that long)  I have actually been thinking about going to college and taking a Human resources management certificate (or diploma).  Well, today, I registered.  Algonquin has a distance education program, and I can get my HR certificate with 12 classes.  After that I can take the accreditation exam, and.... bob's your uncle... get a job (I hope)  Over the past 5 years, I have noticed that there are ALWAYS companies looking for HR people.  And it also plays into my strenghts.  Last night I took a "career test" online.  here is my "score":
     
     

    The following chart shows your basic interest scores as percentiles. For example, a score of 80% means you scored more highly than 80 percent of people A high score (greater than 70) indicates strong interest. Low scores (less than 30) are just as important as high scores. These indicate lack of interest or dislike for certain activities. Click on the scale names for descriptions. The next page contains a written interpretation of your highest and lowest scores. 

    Percentile

     

    Teaching/social Service

                 99

    Administration                           92

    Food service                             81

    Personal Service                       74

    Health Service                          72

    Clerical                                     67

    Science                                    67

    Assertive                                66

    Persuasive                               64

    Art                                            54

    Outdoors                                 43

    Industrial Art                           16

    Systematic                               11

    Writing                                     4

    Sales                                       0

    < success. greater achieve and happier, confident, more are careers their match interests whose people that shown has Research options. career your considering when start to place great a 70) than (higher strongest>
     
    Your highest score was on Teaching / Social Service, which means that you enjoy instructing people in learning new things, helping people solve problems, and assisting others. You also scored highly on Administration, indicating that you enjoy the financial or day-to-day operations of a business or institution, supervising the activities of others, planning work schedules, and maintaining records. Your high score on the Food Service scale means that you like to be involved in the preparation, serving, or selling of food products. This includes selecting ingredients, creating menus, supervising kitchen staff, cooking, baking, and aspects of food service
     
     
    SO, those of you that know me, know, this is very interesting!!!   I have a teaching Degree, I have run a Large kitchen for a summer camp.  As a lifeguard and fitness instructor, I was certainly in the Health field (in fact I thought about becoming an Occupational therapist!)  I think HR fits well!  It is in the "teaching/service" type area, as well as Administration!
     
    BTW, if you want to do the quiz (it has about 100 questions, and is "sponsored" by CDI, http://www.livecareer.com/
    It is quite good!
    Later my gater friends
    BB

    April 21

    All this worry for nothing

    Well, they sent me the Thanks for the interest letter.  Oh well, here I was worried about if I would have to take a job I was not really interested in.  The desicion was taken out of my hand.  But then again, I am sure I did not project the best yesterday, I was not really interested in the job any more!
    C'est La vie!
    NEXT.....

    Isn't life strange?

    Merry meet
    Well, I went for my second interview for the crazy job.  As it turns out it was exactly like the first one, same silly questions, but someone else asking them.  It really was a waste of everyone's time.  Although the job will pay a "decent" amount.  It would only just cover my costs.  The hours are HORRIBLE.  and will not get better, even with promotions.  So.... I decided yesterday afternoon, while chatting to a good friend, I am NOT going to accept (if they offer!)  It was a good experience, i learned somethings, about myself mainly, and about the job market (it sucks) 
     
    Now here is the strange part.  While chatting to my girlfriend, she mentioned that the market right now is strapped for Aquatic Trainers.  I let my qualifications lapse a number of years ago (more than 3 less that 7, I think)  Any way, I mentioned that maybe I should requal.  As it turns out, she is teaching a clinic this weekend, and by taking it, I would "poof" be a trainer again!  COOL.  The next thing would be to recertify as a lifeguard, so I called the local pool about the next recert, it is in 3 weeks, and the good thing is, it is the "old Farts" recert (what we call the "mature" people recert - cause those of us over 25 do not wish to recert with 18 year old baywatch types!!!)  Now to take this recert, I have to have a First Aid, current.  I looked up when the next recert is in Ottawa, get this, the week before the Lifeguard one.  HMMMMMM..... I think the stars are a-lined!  So in one month, $200 later, I could be working again.  And it pays better than retail!  Hours would be the same, but... I get to pick and choose! 
     
    It is amazing what a day can make.  Yesterday, at this time, my stomach ached, I was worried about the stupid interview,(more about the value of the job, not how I would do, I really did not care)  I was worried about how I would pay my bills, if I could go help Yogi (which I REALLY want to do) I just wanted to crawl back into bed, and have a BIG cry.  Today, I feel better.  I have a plan.  It will cost some money, but in the end, I think it will be good.  It will get me into the City of Ottawa Rec depart.  as a part time staff, this gives me accesss to the city postings, and as we all know, city employees have it made (sort of)
     
    I also got a letter from my lawyer, not really what I was expecting, but at least it is the right one!  She mentiones the correct stuff, but, it does frustrate me, she billed me 70mins for creating it, and now I know for a fact it was "cut and paste", i could have created something just like it in 30 mins!  ARG, but then again.... she does have years of law school training!!  (LOL, I have as many years of schooling, I just did not apply myself the same way!)
    Well, boys and girls, I must get ready to go to work, to the job I LOVE, but does not pay that well, but that I can keep now, cause I have a plan.  BTW, I am going to tell them I need the last 2 weeks of August off, yogi, so it is official. - darn, I just thought of something.... Instructor courses always run that week.  Oh well, too bad, babies are once, there will be other classes!
     
    BLESSED BE
     
    April 12

    Interviews

    Well, I just got back from my interview.  It was surreal.  The interviewer really did not seem to know what he was doing.  He had no prepared questions, just asked me questions about my resume, and some other odd ones.  He has a note pad, but did not write anything down on it.  At one point, he just stared at my resume, trying to think of something else to ask.  Personally, I felt more capable than he seemed.  that kind of worries me.  No one likes to hire someone who can do their job better than them.  Also... the pay.... hmmmm.  Well, it starts at $11 an hour.  Sure, I get payed $8.24/hour right now, but the hours are GREAT!  8:30 -4 pm, M to F ONLY.  This job would be EVERY saturday, and most Sundays, and lots of evenings.  True, with time, the pay would get better, the hours potentially too.  But.... how will it affect the kids.  They still need me.  They are struggling with their emotions and their father.  I don't know.  I NEED more money, but... do I need the hours? Questions question questions.   The odd thing about the whole thing is, this was only the 1st interview, I actually may have to do another one.  It was painfull really. (Assuming he liked me enough to ask me back for the second one!)  Any one with any suggestions?  I need some help!
    April 11

    Makes you stronger!

    Merry Meet
     
    The dog is home, a nice older couplen found her, took her to the humane society, and then even brought her home, so I did not have to pay the $45  L and F fee!  The lady even called tonight, to tell me her daughter told her you can get tags engraved with phone numbers on them, it was sweet!
     
    The back yard is even more enforced now, ( I did that after writing the last blog) and then when she came home I went out to Super Pet and bought a 10 foot tie out line!  (She is now trying to tunnel into Mary's yard! - the treat lady!)
     
    I have chatted to my sister, and researched interview questions.  I am feeling prepared.
     
    I have shopped for most of the fabric for the Dovercourt costumes, (and only spent $300 )
     
    I think I have now regained the two steps, and am ready to then next step back!
     
    BLESSED BE!

    That which does not kill you...

    The expression "That which does not kill you makes you stronger" and the one that goes something like, "You are only given what you can handle"  Annoy me!  People throw them out all the time, trying to be helpful.  What they are really saying is "Your life sucks, get over it!"  People who say things like that, always have it great!  Sometimes it seems like the world is out to get me.  I try and try and still shit happens.  It does nolt "kill" me, but everything kills a little peice of my hope, my dreams, my sanity! The other expression, "you are only give what you can handle" is also bull shit.  So many people are handed too much.  That is why there are so many suicides, why husbands kill wives and children, why mothers kill their children etc etc etc.  We are all being tested.  People are constantly handed MORE than they can handle.  Pesonally I wonder where my breaking point it.
     
    One step forward, two steps back.  There is an expression I can relate too.  Once again, I thought everything was going ok, life seems to be on an even keel.  BOOM.  shit happens.  My dog ran away, 2 hours ago, and no sign of her.  The humane society does not open for another hour and a half.  I got a bill from my lawyer, stating that she spend 1 1/2 hours on a conrespondence to me, (which I had not received!)  After calling her assistant to get her to resend it, I read it over this morning, and the lawyer has TOTALLY messed up.  She has me confused with someone else.  EVERYTHING in the thing was WRONG.  I have no pensions, no property in Quebec, or Kingston, I do not have a severance package, and she asked my to fill in a financial statement (which I have and given to her, and she has billed me for the prep of it!)  She also asked for a retainer, which I have given, and according to the statement/bill she sent, she has spend on this correspondence, and preparing my financial statement!
     
    I thought I was getting my shit together, I have a potential job lined up, which may actually pay my way!!! WOOO HOOO!  My 2006 goals are on the way to be acheived, I have hired a lawyer, worked towards financial independance, kicked the twin out, and got a dog.  My Lawyer fucked up, my dog ran away, and I have my interview tomorrow, and now I am worried!
     
    Life sucks!
    stop the rollercoaster, i'm getting sick,
    March 30

    Prison Escape!

    Chelsea, the silly puppy, escaped yesterday.  She finally managed to dig her way out!  At first it was very scary.  I was worried about how I would tell the kids!  After running around the neighbourhood, calling her name, and asking everyone I saw, I got back to the house, just as Mary was coming out of hers.  She called for the dog, and of course she came.  She was only across the road in a neighbours yard.  Silly Puppy.
     
    Needless to say, I went to Home Depot last night, and bought wood for the bottom of the fence.  We also did some "landscaping" with bricks and patio stones, to block the remaining holes.  She is alittle frustrated now in the yard, but at least I am not worried about her escaping.
     
    Her thing today is eating rotten leaves out of the pond.  I wonder if that is bad for dogs?  I cleaned a whole bunch out, and she kept trying to sneak them out of the garbage bag.  Silly Puppy.
     
    There is a show that the kids watch, Dave the Barbarian.  His nemesis is Chuckles the Silly piggy.  That is where Chelsea the silly puppy comes from.  (Don't ask, it is a stupid kids show, but it makes me laugh!)
     
    Tonight is piano lessons (4:30-5:30), PT interview for Arianne (6:00) and then Puppy Class (6:30-7:30)  Hmmmmm busy night.
     
    BB
    March 29

    Stuff

    I tried to get on here yesterday, but it just would not work.  Arg to MSN.
     
    I went to work yesterday because we are having our annual sale (it is a "kick butt sale"! so it is busy! The smart hairstylists are all coming out!)  Anyway that is not the point.  Airanne of course decided she was "sick"  (She perked up when I decided she could stay home! LOL)  I tried to call the Bull in the morning to see if he could take her for the day, he never answered the phone!  And he never called me back.  Too bad.  She ended up having a nice day at home - "alone"  Mary, her aunt was home next door, so.. she was not that alone, and of course there was the dog!  She only called me 5 times during the day!
     
    I also got a call from my other costume customer, so, I will have more costumes coming soon.  Which is good, as I need the money. The Diaper lady has also called.  She is finally having her "official" launch.  She needs her liners (yesterday, of course!)  So I have work.  Yeah!
     
    Now, the dog.... hmmmm.  Well she found out she could get under the fence the other day.  She escaped into the neighbours yard.  Thank goodness it was Mary's!  Of course we have blocked it, but she is still working hard at trying to get there!  My house is FILLED with little muddy footprints.  It is a good thing I am not a meticulous housekeeper!!! LOL!!!!
     
    Finally, the Twin.  He keeps calling.  I did not mention before  that he came over on saturday night.  He called and said that he wanted to talk in person.  I figured that was a fair request.  Over the phone is not a great way to tell someone they are a jerk!  Anyway, he came over, sat at my kitchen table and said nothing for almost an hour.  It was late, I was tired.  Finally, I said, you wanted to talk.  We talked for almost an hour.  He keep hinting he wanted to stay the night.  ARG.  He just did not understand anything I was saying to him.  He thought he only came over a few time drunk, not a few times sober.  He actually said one problem was he felt like he was married again.  Which I countered with, so did I, to a drunk again!  He told me again and again, that he would change for me!  HAHAHAHAHA  I have heard that before, for 14 years!  Why would I believe it not?  If he could not change for the mother of his kid, WHY would I think he would do it for me???? Blah blah blah.  Finally, I think he "got" it.  He looked sad, and left.  He keeps calling me every night, asking if I want company.  Maybe he will get it eventually!  Maybe.  Once again, I feel like a man-eater!  I chew them up, and spit them out!
     
    Well, I have to get the little one off to school.
     
    Hope everyone is doing well, enjoying the spring and so on.
    BB
    March 27

    Time for a change

    I desided it was time for a change, again.  I got my hair cut today, what do you think?
    March 26

    Panic

    Today is one year since my mothers accident.
     
    We went skiing today.  On the way up I listened to a CD, and chatted to the kids and the Bull.  It was a normal day.  Somewhere along the way, it occured to me it was a year.  That one year ago I was rushing to the hospital.  That one year ago my life changed.  In a way my mother, the one I knew, died one year ago today.  At the ski hill I was driving to.
     
    I was doing ok, until I started to ski down the  hill.   At first it was ok, but it is spring conditions.  I momentarily lost control of one ski.  I paniced.  I could not breath.  The tears flooded.  And it took all I had to ski down the rest of the way.  By the time I got to the bottom, I was a mess.  I was shaking so bad.  That was it for me for the day.  I sat on a picnic table and sat in the sun, and watched the skiers.  I made the mistake of sitting near the ski patrol room.  After I calmed myself and was kind of enjoying the weather, I saw the patrollers bringing the tobogan down the hill.  It came right by me.  For a minute it was my mother in the tobogan, and I could hear noises she was making when she got to the hospital.  (The person in the tobogan was not saying anything, it was only in my head)  It was a long day.  The ski patrollers decided to have their lunch on the table in front of me.  These were all the people who I sat with at the hospital, who i talked to on the phone about my mothers condition, the people who she "hung" out with at the hill.  It was a surreal day.
     
    The plus of the day is I have a wicked tan on my face!
     
     
    March 23

    Oh oh

      Well, having read my month's horoscope, all I can say is oh oh. 
     
    The Twin called last night.  He is still trying to make up with me.  I thought because I had not heard from him all weekend, that maybe... oh well.  He is making plans, trying to get tickets to Matt Mays, he knows I like him.  I am a little worried about that. 
     
    I also talked to the Bull this week.  He is trying to do his taxes so that we can talk about finances better.  He is sober this week, but who knows how long that will last. 
     
    I have some sewing to do, but all week I have been avoiding it.  I HAVE to get it done today, but instead, I have been reading books, and watching TV.  My stomach is still giving me troubles, and I have been having other "issues"  I am getting tired of my bathroom!
     
    I applied for another job this weekend.  I have not hear anything so far, but it is a part time job at a golf club.  I think that would be good.  It pays ok, and maybe I would actually meet people.  (more specificly men, sober men, with jobs!)  It's good to have goals.  The funny thing about it is I really don't understand the lure of golf!
     
    I have renewed some friendships that I let laps over that past few months.  It is good to be back in the land of the living again.  As much as I am a hermit at heart, I do like talking to people sometimes!  I have to remember that even when I feel like cocooning, I need to keep the lines open.
     
    Well, I guess I should get to work.  Because I know the sewing job will take me 30 mins max, I have procrastinated to the point that I am afraid to start, incase something goes wrong, and I need more time!  Oh well!  Later my friends.
    BB
    March 19

    Once again, I am tired!

    Last night, I got a call.  Arianne was in tears, she wanted to come home.  She had friends over, and she wanted them to go.  I told her to find her father, and have him deal with it.  (I am trying not to "take over" all the time)  I also asked her to call me if she could not find him (that happens!)  Anyhoo, after about 20 mins I called back to make sure everything was ok, I knew that the Bull was drinking, cause I had talked to him earlier.  Arianne was bubbly, and happy, I talked to the bull, and I thought everything was ok.  I then called his sister, to rant.  Next thing I knew, Arianne was home.  The Bull had driven her home, he was drunk, so drunk he was unable to finish sentences properly.  I was sooooooo angry.  I called him, and asked what he was thinking, he hung up!  I then called back, he did not answer, again and again, then he would pick up the phone and hang it up after one ring - jerk!  I went and got Edward.  I could not leave him there.  I think he was actually happy to see me!  Later the Bull called me and then started babbling.  After about 20 mins of insults, I had to let him go, as the kids had to go to bed.  In the 10 mins it took to do the bed time routine ( Arianne was in tears, she had a headache, and was worried about her dad! ARG!!)  He left two messages, the first one was "Arianne, GO TO BED, I was talking to your mother"  That was it, can you beleive it.  The second one was something to the effect of " Answer the phone, don't be an ASSHOLE"  (The capitals were YELLED!)  Nice huh?  I called him back, as he seemed to think I was ignoring him, I wanted to remind him I was putting the kids to bed, and they are my first priority!  The conversation desintigrated.  He accused me of Poligamy!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  He said I broke the Criminal code and I would be screwed.  He told me I would not see any money from him.  And then he called me a bitch.  I hung up then!  I also unplugged the phones.  He left 3 other messages last night.  He called me names in the first, then the second he cryed and said I broke his heart, and he still loves me, The third was the worst, he said, Arianne lies, and I taught her well.  I wonder if he realizes that the children listen to messages on the answering machine.  I erased the last one, the rest I have kept, I am thinking I will send them to his Call Answer!  Or is that Bitchy?
    I am soooo glad the Twin did not call last night, I don't think I would have the energy to talk to two drunks in one night!
    I need a holiday! from life!
    BB
    March 16

    Today is a good day?

    I just spent half and hour typing something, and the damn Nortons decided it was a security risk and shut down Explorer!!!!!!
     
    ARGG!!!!!
     
     
    It was sooooo good!  I was pouring my heart out!!!!!ARGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!
     
     
    Take two:
     
    Yesterday I was depressed.  I was feeling lonely, or at least alone.  I tried to find someone to chat to on-line, but all my e-friends were not around, pout.  The kids have been with their dad all week.  Yeterday they went skiing.  I was supposed to go with them today, but I faked feeling sick.  I just was not up to it this morning.
     
    Today I am feeling much better.  The sun is shining, I have the costumes done (or at least assembled, there may be some alterations to a few)
     
    Last night I was feeling like a "man-eater"  The Bull called, he was in a good mood, they had fun skiing.  BTW, he did not go to get the Truck until about 6:30 pm 5 hours after I saw him.  I did have to go over and drop off somethings for Arianne, he was drunk, but not that anyone but me or his sister would know.
     
    The Twin called too.  He wanted to talk.  He wanted to know if we were "over" or just taking a time out.  He wants to still be friends, he want to take me out occationally.  He told me sorry for everything.  BLah blah blah.  I have heard it before.  He told me he HAS to stop drinking.  He had a physical for a life inurance policy his mom was taking out (for the business, I guess)  He "failed"  There was something in is urine, he told me what, but I forget what.  He claim he has to stop now, for his health. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    I have heard it all before.  On Canada Day, we, the Twin and I had to take his friend to hospital.  He wa REALLY sick.  The doctor told him he had to stop drinking, it was killing him.  He did..... for a week.  The Bull told me Hundreds of times that he would quit drinking, the Twin has also told me that almost as many times.  Why do I keep believing them?  Not anymore!  I have struck that off my list.  No more.
     
    The worst part of the whole thing was, I decided to watch "Dirty Dancing" last night.  He called just when Baby and Johnny started their dance, after Penny's incident.  ( If you have een the movie, you know which one it was)  I had to sit and watch that while listening to him.  I kept my mouth shut mostly, I figured it was a good idea. 
     
    I am sittiing here listening to the Trews, Ishmeal and Maggie
     
    Hello my name is Ishmael
    Forget the one about the whale
    I'll tell you of a broken-hearted sailor

    Maggie took my loyalty,
    I treated her like royalty
    What starts out with such promise ends in failure

    Oh my love I can't stand to be alone
    But I been drinkin' too much
    I better go home
    And I think here I'm better of alone
    But I been thinking too much
    I better go home

    All hail the Queen of cruelty
    She has duty been anointed
    These final word "her majesty" had to say
    "He who expects nothing never will be disappointed"
    Nothing's what she left me so I guess i'm OK

    Oh my love I can't stand to be alone
    But I been drinkin' too much
    I better go home
    And I think here we all stand alone
    But I been thinking too much
    I better go home

    Lie lie lie lie lie
    Lie lie lie lie lie

    A promise made to a tab unpaid
    It's home I wade to my bed unmade
    A fool to think that I could ever change her
    A king upon my barstool throne
    I vow to never drink alone
    I only drink with friends or total strangers

    We're all broken hearted here
    We're all broken hearted here
    We're all broken hearted here
    We're all broken

    Oh my love I can't stand to be alone
    But I been drinkin' too much
    I better go home
    And I think here we all stand alone
    But I been thinking too much
    I better go home
    I better go home
     I think I have to get away from the Ishmaels in my life!
    This is the way I feel:
     
     The Trews
    Makin' Sunshine
     
    Tomorrow's always far away
    When you're stuck in yesterday
    And this old town keeps you locked up and lost inside
    It draws the lines upon your face
    It makes you old before your day

    Though it's raining don't stay in
    No escaping we are destined

    My heart is not the type to sway
    It's good for any other day
    So, If you say that you will stay and you'll be mine
    Oh I'll make everything ok
    I'll push the hurting world away

    Though it's rainin don't stay in
    No escaping we are destined

    I'm right on time
    I'm making sunshine
    I'm making sunshine

    I'm right on time
    I'm making sunshine
    I'm making sunshine

    There was a time I was afraid
    I let my strength and spirit fade
    But now is the time to stand aware and take what's mine
    The lesson's done my dues are paid

    I'm right on time
    I'm making sunshine
    I'm making sunshine

    I'm right on time
    I'm making sunshine
    I'm making sunshine

    I'm right on time
    I'm making sunshine
    I'm making sunshine
    Sunshine
    Sunshine
    Sunshine
    Sunshine
    Sunshine 


     Thanks to www.lyricsandsongs.com
     
    The bull just called, they had a great day today.  Arianne was the Snowboard queen, she had 21 runs (or so she says, she does tend to exagerate a bit)
     
    I have to find some dinner, and get going to Puppy Training.
     
    Later gaters
    BB